This is issue one of SundyBest, where Trae and Drew answer silly questions about serious issues. Today we ask the question burning a deficit-sized hole in all voter’s minds: which candidate would win in an old fashioned knife fight.
Let’s get to it.
TRAE:
I hope these questions get harder because this ain’t even a debate for me. It’s Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz all day. A knife fight? And one of the options is a man who I’m reasonably certain has knife-murdered before? I mean look at the guy. Look at his eyes.
Them’s the eyes of a feller that’s skint one or two. Now I mean, granted, presumably the donors to Ted’s collection of face-lamps PROBABLY didn’t have a chance to fight back. I mean you gotta assume he went the chloroform-and-a-windowless-van route. So since we are specifically talking about a knife FIGHT here, there might be a little more room for debate, but I still feel comfortable with my choice.
I mean it’s not like the competition is particularly stout. Bernie Sanders, Jew God love him, is a god damn muppet. Muppets don’t stab. He’s probably never held a knife in all his days; including kitchen knives, cause I’m pretty sure that sumbitch only eats soup.
Tell me that ain’t a soup-eatin motherfucker
Plus I’m sure Bernie is very anti-violence, considering he has PTSD from witnessing the murder of the American middle class.
Then there’s Trump. Zero chance. None. Less than none. I mean given that he can’t hire someone to do it for him, which is one of our rules. I’m sure Orange Hitler has tremendous knives, all the best knives. I’m sure he probably sold his own shitty knives to go with his shitty steaks that no one bought. But that doesn’t change the fact that I am 100% certain that Donald Trump couldn’t win any kind of physical fight. He’s the type to talk mad shit to you but then act like you’re somecaveman when you ask him to take it outside. Plus I mean how’s he even going to hold a knife with those stupid tiny baby hands?
To me the only competition here would be Hillary, and only because getting stabbed to death would probably cost her the White House (though I’d vote for her corpse over Donald Carny-Hands) and I feel like she’s made it pretty clear that FUCKING NOTHING will keep her from that house. I think she’d probably strap a bomb to BB-8 and send his ass rolling into St. Judes if it would clinch the race for her. That damn woman is GETTIN HERS, is what I’m saying.
But as any Buffalo Bills fan can tell you, “wanting it more” don’t mean SHIT when Tom Brady is on the other side of the field, and Ted Cruz is the Tom Brady of “Buffalo Bill”s (i.e. knife-murderers). As far as I’m concerned anyway. Actually I don’t know, I guess you could argue that OJ Simpson is the Tom Brady of both “Buffalo Bill”s and THE Buffalo Bills. But I digress. Ted Cruz murders, is my point. I mean think about it: he thinks he was sent here by God to rule us,, his family is terrified of him, he is powered entirely by hatred, and guys again, I really cannot stress this enough, his face. Good lord his face. I mean what’s the over/under on how many bags of cats this guy has drowned? Gotta be double digits.
So yeah. Drew makes an admirable case, and I would gladly take one of the other candidates in many other types of contests. But we’re not talking about who could garble the most sanctimony (Sanders), misuse the most “hip” slang words (Hillary), or inspire the most Hateful Boners (tossup between Hillary and Trump), we’re talkin about knife murderin, and when it comes to knife-murderin, give me Ted Cruz every damn time.
DREW:
Knife fights are like political caucuses – no one knows exactly how they work and Bernie Sanders wins them every time. Every damn time. There is no other possible outcome. Bernie will win.
First of all let’s state the obvious: Bernie is an old ass Jew and Jews avoid death the way Beck avoids talking about Scientology. Jews eat all types of different breads, make good comedy movies, and they fucking won’t die. They’ve been alive longer than the mold in my Mammaw’s basement.
For proof, just take a look at the Bible. It’s an old ass book with a lot of different peoples in it. Only one of those peoples is still alive and kickin. And it ain’t the Corinthians. Are any Hittites still around, telling you you look tired and should rest more at a work function? No. Is anyone walking around Brooklyn in robes asking people if they are Philistines? Nope. Only Jews are doing these things. The Canaanites – dead. The Galatians – dead as the Dead Sea. The Thesolonians – ThesoDEADians. Hell even the Romans had to change their name.
Then of course there’s that whole Holocaust thing. And look, I don’t wanna be flip about one of the largest and most recent attempted genocides known to man. But you can’t ignore that word “attempted.” The Holocaust was terrible and sad and infuriating, but it also stands as a testament to the fact that Jews, as a people, like fucking being alive more than Donald Trump likes himself. And he likes himself a lot.
Bernie is gonna win this fight. His people been surviving knife fights since forever ago – Gypsy knife fights, Roman sword fights, German atrocities- get at them bro. Bernie is ready. He is prepared. He is kosher.
THE ENEMY
Now, let’s explore his opponents. Have you ever seen a sadder group of white people who weren’t related to each other? Yes I know Cruz is Latino, and I don’t want to sully any connection he feels to any brown community, but Ted Cruz’s name is fucking Ted. He’s white. And he’s awful.
They’re all awful. These three look like a three heads of the apocalypse cover band. They know all the hits, but lack soul. The end is nigh, but no one gives a damn. Bernie will dispatch each of them, with prejudice.
UP HILLARY BATTLE
Hillary Clinton couldn’t beat Bernie in a drag contest, much less a knife fight. First of all, she looks like a teletubby. Just look at her big stupid huge head. She a teletubby.
Now, Teletubbies hit. My niece loves them. Might make a decent president. But they can’t fight with knives. Naw. She’s too round and her face too big a target. Bernie will have her eyes cut out faster than she can delete an email.
If Hillary could knife fight she wouldn’t even be in this race. She’d be in prison for murderin Monica Lewinski. Now before you say “she’s too classy” or “she didn’t care about that,” remember, she’s from Arkansas. When you take a ride on an Arkansas woman’s man, she gonna cut you if she can. That’s a actually country song I think. Hillary either can’t work a knife, or don’t have fight in her. Them’s just facts. Bernie cuts her up uglier than when whoever cut up her hair.
BATTLE 1
With his loose dress shirt billowing in the wind, Bernie absorbs Hillary’s blows into the Oxford shirt from the 1986 Sear’s catalogue. Try as she may Hillary never catches meat (Let us pause here and celebrate that sentence). Bernie’s counters land deftly.
As Hil retreats, her shoes tangle in her pantsuit legs. This particular ensemble was cut to hang just above the ground with a 3 inch heel, but Hillary opted for a much more practical 1 inch knife fight appropriate shoe. Unfortunately, she didn’t retailor the suit and she trips on the extra inches.
Bernie stands over her as she bleeds and struggles. His knife to her neck, he stops short of ending her. She begs for mercy, and to be vice president. “You may live,” he says, “but you shall never lead.” In the distance a bell begins to toll. A black crow lands on a dead tree’s branch and stares into the fray. “Cawwwwww.”
Hillary screams wildly and with one swift move, uses her knife to take her own life.
“She died as she lived,” the people will say. “Like a man.”
DONALD DUCKS
Donald Trump is next to be dispatched. Trump likes to brag about what he’s good at (everything), and what all he’s done (all there is to do). But if we break down his actual accomplishments and contributions to the world, he’s really only ever done one thing well: negotiate. From money to buildings to swaths of Russian pussy, the man has talked a lot of things that shouldn’t have happened into happening. It’s truly and genuinely impressive.
But. You can’t negotiate a knife wound.
BATTLE II
The Donald: I hear what you’re saying Mr. Knife but have you considered…
Knife: *cuts his stupid face
The Donald: I seem to be bleeding. Julie get my Rolodex. Let me see if I know anyone who knows this blood. Maybe I can talk it out of leaving my…
Knife: * keeps cutting him. Blood keeps flowing
The Donald: you drive a hard bargain Mr. Knife. Tell you what. Why don’t we…
Knife: *literally cuts his tongue out
The Donald: *murmuring
Knife: *stabs throat until Donald’s lifeless corpse is drained of all blood. It lies listless in the pale sunlight, his skin is orange and serene. His hair piece stands up, looks around, and slinks off into the ether. Did it even exist?
Bernie burns the Donald’s clothes and feeds his body to the poor. They rejoice and tear the orange flesh from the frail bones, singing church hymns while a marching band plays “Flight of the Bumble Bee.”
TED RUM
Now that Big Bad Bernie has dispatched those shitty, weak, front running foes, there is only one enemy remaining: Ted Cruz.
Ted Cruz actually scares me. Both in terms of potentially winning this fictional knife fight, and also just generally in that he exists in reality and probably has access to knives: he is a terrifying man.
You know he knows how to use a knife – he clearly used one years ago when he killed the real Ted Cruz, cut his skin off so he could wear it as suit over his demon body, and carried on as if nothing happened.
Real quick I need to take a moment to say that I’m not kidding. Ted Cruz is literally a demon. His real name is Glorathicka. He is an ancient hell demon from the unholy eternal realm of Balthazord, banished to Earth in the 1750s for inventing cigarettes. His King, Gerlock, who loved cigarettes, took pity on him and opted not to destroy him when his bride the Queen Slytheria died of lung cancer. Gerlock banished Glorathicka to earth as a compromise.
Glorathicka Ted Cruz is a formidable opponent for Bernie. First of all he knows a lot about knives. In the 80s he dated two circus performers at the same time who taught him a lot about switchblades. One of them died of hepatitis C, the other, a broken heart. Secondly, demons are eternal. It’s an uphill battle.
He will injure Bernie. Oh, there will be blood. But Bernie won’t have a problem getting his licks in either, though. The problem is, in order to return demon Ted Cruz Glorathicka to whence he came, you have to land a blow directly into his heart. But no one has ever known where it is.
That is, until now.
Battle III
Bernie starts by striking demon Glorathicka Terd Cruz multiple times in the torso. Green blood and the screams of Virgins leak from the wounds. But the beast seems unfazed. He almost thrives on the pain.
He counters our hero. Catching him with various slashes right to left, left to right with his crucifix knife. The demon cares nothing for the knife’s symbolism, but his fans – hordes of fat mouth breathing piles of flesh in business suits – seem to love it. Their cheers ring out like a war cry, rallying the demon onward.
Bernie is injured badly. His blade and his fear hang heavy. How do you destroy that which thrives on your attacks? How can he expel the demon by piercing his heart when Ted Cruz Glorathicka clearly doesn’t have one?
Enter one Micheal. Aka big mike. Aka killer Mike aka one half of the jewelses. See, killer Mike has Bernies back- it is written.
He also knows a bit about demonology. Just when it looks like Bernie is really falling back in the fight and bloodied up, Mike appears in the corner and busts an encouraging rhyme with the secret weakness hidden in the lyrics:
Pushed up on a demon fightin
Bernie trying Bernie knifing
I ain’t scared bitch
Ain’t got no time for crying
Get to cuttin or get to dyin
But
You Gotta find the heart of a man
Gotta get to a heart if you can
The way to slay any demon man
Is to crush this fool like he’s the last known last foe
Plant dagger with swagger into that assholes big toe
Boom. At this signal, Bernie will jam his righteous blade of Joshua into the right big toe of Glorathicka, with accuracy and cunning.
The demons heart is pierced and the demon is destroyed. His body will disintegrate as he faded into nothingness.
Bernie, sweating swearing and bleeding falls to his knees and curses a God he doesn’t believe in.
The Sun sinks in the west. An eagle cries victory in the distance and the Untold hordes of the masses join and sing in unison Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run,” because “Born In the USA” was too easy and Ted Cruz was born in fucking Canada.
Honorary knife fight referee Antonin Scalia’s corpse lifts Bernie’s bloodied right hand into the air and declares the jaded Jew the victor. We are all saved.