What Springsteen-Replacement Concert Does North Carolina Deserve?

Alright I’ma be honest and say off top I feel for some of them fellers what was gonna go to that show. I mean I still live in the South and I love the Boss and also people of all colors and wiener-situations, so I’d hate to be punished for the dumbshit notions of my dumbshit government (and my state knows a thing or two about dumbshit government).

Having said that, I still commend Springsteen for what he done, and I’d like to think I’d be cool with it if I had a ticket. Also a side note: Springsteen made national headlines and sent a profound message literally by cancelling plans. You know how awesome that would be?! I’d love to be big enough to be able to make a statement by NOT doing something.  Y’all have any idea how much I love not doin shit? “Not doin shit” is right up there with “disappointin the ol lady” and “takin it too far with cheese” on my list of Things What Doth Hit For Me. I wish that the Klan or Westboro Baptist held marathons so I could take a serious moral stand by NOT jogging forever, or somethin like that. But it always works the opposite. Sending a message takes just, just SO much effort. That sucks. Why can’t we have a Sloth Together For Bone Cancer Awareness Day? I mean I bet it would work: “Where the hell is everybody?” “Oh everyone stayed home watching Netflix today to raise awareness for bone cancer.” “That’s a thing?” “Yup.”…..Bam, that person’s aware now. Aware as shit. I’m just sayin: somebody should look into that. Not me though, obviously.

So anyway, now that the Boss is out, I’m sure there’s plenty of acts that would still be down to play for these backerds baccer folk (“backerds” is Redass for “backward” and “baccer” is Redass for “tobacco”, if yuns ain’t know), so surely we can think of something. Also “Backerds Baccer Folk” ain’t a bad band name for a NC string outfit, now that I think of it.

So in thinking about this I’m focusing on those North Carolinians that support this law; as the ones who oppose it are people after me own heart and butt. But the Boss is universal, as evidenced by the the number of horrible assholes who have used his music. That’s just how great he is: even people that hate literally everything he stands for still love him cause the sumbitch simply rocks just that hard. So it stands to reason there were plenty of people with tickets to that show who were hateful dicks who hate dicks, especially if said dicks are on chicks. This replacement show is for them.

Part of me (the idealistic, dumb part) wants to hook these guys up. Schedule a show of some of North Carolina’s finest musicians, in the hope that the music would be so good it would change their simple lives, open their math-hatin minds, and warm their blackened, butter-lined hearts.  But then I remember that Hope is a Lie and Only the Darkness is Real (TM), so this plan won’t work. I mean the type of people we’re talking about here would probably not come to a show featuring acts like Ryan Adams, Old Crow Medicine Show, and American Aquarium, on account of “‘at sounds queer and sides they’s a Swamp People marathon on tonight”.

So we need a better plan. And it’ll be more fun anyway. This is what we do. We book the Bro Country Show to end all Bro Country Shows. I’m talkin Aldean. I’m talkin Florida Georgia Line. Sam Hunt. The bloated carcass of Toby Keith, probably. We’ll call it the Dirt Road Truckfuck Tour. First show: Greensboro, NC. Tickets will sell out like THAT, son. Packed house. Bud Light ballcaps as far as the eye can see. If this hypothetical crowd was a tattoo it’d be Calvin pissin on the concept of a mutually respectful marriage. Yeah, these are our targets.

On the one hand, many of the good people of NC deserve to see Bruce Springsteen. Of course I support his decision as an artist and cog in this capitalistic death machine we call a society to cancel, but we also gotta recognize that ironically, some of the very folk who are hurt by this law are now also being deprived of seeing a kick ass show. Imagine, worrying about not only how you’re gonna execute your bathroom break during a concert with literally no bad songs (I would go during “I’m on fire.” It is always awkward to make eye contact with anyone during that song because of the creepy opening line, so hearing it alone in a stall is probably for the best), but also about having to deal with a law that makes it impossible to go with any dignity. That is tough enough, but then learning you can’t even go in the first place because the Boss fired your state? Not a good day.

Plus, if you’ve ever been to a concert, you know there is no such thing as bathroom laws. Women are gonna burst into the men’s room, scream “I can’t hold it” and take the next available stall anyway. Ugly girls NEVER pull this move, and when the hot girl does it every single dude who is for this BS law grins like something is about to happen other than a loud drunk woman peeing behind a door. But I, like our society, digress.

So a part of me wants to say NC deserves to keep the Boss. However, the lawmakers of NC need to be taught a lesson. The voters apparently in favor of this law do not have to accept reality, but Bruce Springsteen has the right to tell them he does not accept them.

Maybe they deserve bad music as a punishment. This makes sense, right? The Boss tells you you’re wrong, and to punctuate the error we send Florida/Georgia Line to sonically rape you? Their music is the soundtrack to the Apocalypse – something many of this bill’s supporters keep clamoring for – sure seems like justice to me. The obvious problem is that these people actually like FL/GA line. I know. It is a fact somehow dumber than this bill, so that won’t work at all.

Then how could we teach them a lesson? I got it! Force NC senators to watch a band I KNOW they’d hate on principle. Something like a Muslim Punk band (a real thing) might work, or what about Vampire Weekend? If they hate all things that are gay, they’d have to hate Vampire Weekend – the gayest band of all time. Damnit! This won’t work, either. No one would learn anything. These types of people are pretty averse to learning actually (see: evolution, foreign policy, sexuality science, all things they do/say). In fact, we would just be punishing the band. Who would want to play a show for these NC politicians, other than the Nuge?

North Carolina doesn’t deserve the Boss, the people who are for this law actually enjoy shitty music, and most “lessons” wouldn’t be learned. In this moment then, North Carolina deserves NO music to replace Bruce Springsteen. I say we replace Bruce with the sound of silence. Not the Simon and Garfunkel sadness masterpiece, but literally nothing.

Now, I am not saying this ultimatum should last forever. I am simply advocating a 2 hour gap in place of the concert. A moment of silence to honor the death of bigotry. Then, at the end of the 2 hour hope vacuum, in the spirit of this question and in order to still call the event “a concert,” a man in his mid-forties will take the stage with a single guitar. He will have on a dress shirt from Marshall’s, a pair of cargo shorts, and crocs. His guitar, emblazoned with a Dave Mathews Band sticker, will be slightly out of tune as he hits a G chord and announces himself simply as “Dwayne from Durham.”

A cover song specialist from the local Applebee’s, Dwayne has been playing his guitar on nights and weekends for years. Dwayne has a knack for oldies and the distinction of being the only two-time winner of the Grand Vista Mexican Restaurant Semi-Annual Talent show. Dwayne will remind everyone that there is a tip jar and out of habit mention that Happy Hour goes all night on Tuesdays. He will then play exactly one song.

North Carolina will be treated to the most mediocre cover of “American Pie” ever rendered. Dwayne will hit most of the notes and only flub the lines once. He might even skip one verse and have to come back to it, but the performance won’t suffer overall. When he gets to “If the Bible tells you so” a chorus of clapping and hollering will rise up and fill the stadium, because these people do not understand irony. Not even a little. The cheers will rouse emotions Dwayne hasn’t felt in years. Inspired, he will absolutely nail the ending. The crescendo. The triumphant rise of breath after the dramatic whisper of the word “died.” As it eeks out of Dwayne’s barely open mouth and he raises one fist in the air, the crowd will collectively break the last little moment of silence and sing the chorus one last time.

“Singin, this’ll be the day that I…”

One last pause for democracy and decency.

“die.”