DREW (@averagedrew):
Tragedy befell our country this week. A gorilla died. And he was beautiful. He was. However you felt about him, you’d have to admit he was magnificent. Let us mourn him.
The gorilla’s name was Bernie Sanders. When his time was up, he held in his powerful grip a little boy – a little boy named America. That little boy had heard that ol’ fence Hillary Clinton warn him about the gorilla, but he needed to get a better look. He needed to see for himself.
America, the Baby
He got too close. And the gorilla didn’t mean to hurt the boy. He loved America. Oh how he loved him. He loved him too much, really. He knew that the fence wasn’t good for the boy. That while the fence kept the boy safe, it also kept him contained. It prevented him from reaching his full potential. But the thing is, that fence, sure it kept the boy from his true love, the gorilla, but it also is what kept the boy from climbing into that baboon’s cage. The baboon, named Trump, what threw shit everywhere, just wanted to smash America the boy’s head in and eat him.
“Look at it!”
So a zoo worker named Democracy shot the gorilla. Not for being evil, but for being too much. Bernie gorilla was gonna love America too hard, and squeeze him too tight. So with a bullet named practical voters, Democracy killed Bernie Sanders, a gorilla, and not a politician. This is their story. We tell it here as an oral history.
OSB editor’s note: Drew is the boy and the shooter, Trae is the Fence, and Corey is of course the gorilla. The baboon is played by himself.
A Little Boy Named America (Drew):
I remember waking up that day, making a new spotify playlist, and thinking “change is in the air. I really feel like something special will happen for me soon.”
The Shooter – A Zoo Worker Named Democracy (Drew):
Started out as a normal day. Had my coffee, read my paper, all was quiet. I mean my role at the zoo isn’t usually very hands on.
Some days are weirder than others.
Little Boy America:
We go to the zoo every four years or so. Mom is always droning on and on about how nice the fences are. I’m WAY more into the animals.
Hillary Clinton Fence (Trae @traecrowder):
I loved the little boy the moment I saw him. What was his name again? Oh yes, America. He and all the kids and whoever else I should love are great. I remember his mother not watching him that closely, but she is also great.
Trump the Baboon:
Look how red my ass is! I have the best ass.
“Look. At. It.”
Little Boy America:
In retrospect maybe my infatuation with the Gorilla was immature, or at least a little too romantic. I was mystified by his beauty and simple wisdom, ya know? Plus, he was sincere. I think that is what drew me to him most.
The Gorilla Bernie Sanders (Corey @coreyfcomedy):
ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS BRING SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL INTO THIS UGLY WORLD AND YOU SHOT ME FOR IT! Sorry to paraphrase Tombstone so flippantly, but that’s just how I feel right now.
Tried to find a picture of a “socialist gorilla” and this dude is the best I can do.
Little Boy America:
And I knew the baboon was also beyond the fence. I was certain that trying to get close to that gorilla was gonna put me in danger of having to deal with that shit slinging baboon. But I just felt like the Gorilla would protect me from the Baboon Trump.
Trump the Baboon:
The gorilla is a dumb ape, ok? I love the little boy.
Little Boy America:
When I started to get over the fence I wasn’t necessarily saying “I am going to live with this Gorilla. Forever.” I just wanted to check out something real. See the fence, well, she lied to me. A lot. Saying she was gonna be one way, then being way higher. I realize she is safer – I see that now. But the truth is I don’t like her. And man, I still don’t know – is the Gorilla that dangerous?
Just TRY a single payer system! Please?!
Gorilla BS:
Look, I know that I SEEM different than you, being a primate in a land of homosapiens (and some Cheeto stained neanderthals) , but I’m not that much different.. In fact, if you want to get down to it, we share 99% of our DNA Policies, yet for some reason, all you give a shit about is the 1% (Something you will never be). YOU put me in this cage – I did not want to be here. I wanted to be independent, remember? But that simply cannot happen because I was placed behind the fence from the jump. The fence claims to be safe, the fence claims to be sturdy, but as we are all aware the fence IS A GOD DAMN LIAR!
I’d rather have this stupid fucking fence than that bitch fence.
Hillary Clinton Fence:
I know exactly why this happened. I need to be bigger. I’ve been saying that forever. I’ve been here in this zoo, doing my job diligently and without complaint for YEARS, and I deserve to be bigger and stronger. If they had elevated me 8 years ago like I asked them too, that boy would never have fallen in with that damn monkey to begin with.
Trump the Baboon: The fence? She’s right about the gorilla. She’s a cunt but she’s right. You want me to throw poop on her? I do it every day.
Democracy the Shooter:
He started over the fence and down the path. Yeah I mean I guess I got nervous but like I said I’m pretty hands off ok? Democracy doesn’t really do much unless he has to, ya feel me?
Gorilla BS:
The only reason anyone is even on the fence’s side is because it has been around forever, they are familiar with it, and consistency and familiarity is something people trust. But consistency in what? Remember last year when the fence had signs posted all over it? “Do not feed The Gorilla,” “Do not lean over me,” “Keep an eye on your fucking kids.” Then all of the sudden these signs were conveniently deleted… excuse me, Removed.
Hillary Clinton Fence:
Look these kids don’t understand. They all think they want to be in there running around with the animals when in reality they are safe exactly where they are. Little America started down the path toward the gorilla and I knew it was gonna be bad. Why would anyone want to change where they are? Why can’t they be happy just standing and looking, why do they think they have to be actually in there? They are fine where they are. That’s what I’m here for. To keep everybody safe and satisfied exactly where they are.
Ya see!? Shit like this gets people eaten by monkeys!!!!
Little Boy America:
I went toward him. Fast at first. And yeah I guess some people are gonna say I chickened out or showed my age by climbing toward the gorilla all proud and arrogant, and then crying when I got close.
Hillary Clinton Fence:
The minute that boy started reaching toward the gorilla, I knew it was going to end badly. He has no idea what’s good for him; he just sees a gorilla looking all awesome and thinks he wants to run away with it. Well gorillas are dangerous! So are baboons! We need fences! Fences are important! Fences are trustworthy! Fences know what they’re doing!
Trump the Baboon:
The fence is fat. Look at my long fingers!
Monkeys are the shit.
Hillary Clinton Fence:
Fuck that baboon. Ok I’ll admit the gorilla is nice to see (though I’m WAY more useful) but all he does is literally sling shit all day and fuck mangos.
Trump the Baboon:
(makes fart noises)
Democracy the Shooter:
Then I saw him get close to the gorilla. Now me and Gorilla Bernie go way back – we do. I love him and he clearly loves me. And my initial thought was “who am I to stand in the way of their love?” I mean if Bernie and America want to love each other, I think that is beautiful.
Gorilla BS:
Before the shooter turned on me, we had several good years together. When I first arrived I was a young Gorilla, my back was a lot less silver and that monkey dick stroke was a lot more on point if you catch my drift (Guess that wasn’t really innuendo). One thing that has not changed however is just how much I loved that boy.
He loved me too, the boy. He carried this everywhere with him. It’s true. You can tell because I said it.
Democracy the Shooter:
The fence, Hillary, was freaking out! Haha. Between you and me, I don’t like her. She’s too rigid. Democracy and HIllary have never gotten along. And she hates the gorilla.
Hillary Clinton Fence:
Look, I’ve got no problem with gorillas. They’re fine. Whatever. But they need to be contained. They cannot be allowed to cavort around with the little boys. I’m a fence, so I know what I’m talking about here. I knew as soon as that boy got in there with the gorilla that there was only one way to save him. The gorilla had to die. It’s sad, but it’s just the way it is.
Democracy the Shooter:
I saw that the gorilla was really too much for the boy. I got nervous. Then I heard the boy’s parent’s scream “the gorilla is gonna let the baboon get him if we ain’t careful.” I knew what they meant. The gorilla was dragging the boy around – no doubt not trying to hurt him but he was hurting him.
Gorilla BS:
Everyone’s worried about what I would have done to the boy? The boy has been getting dragged through the mud his entire life, yet when I try to drag him out of the wilderness and into a safe spot, all of the sudden I am stricken down in the prime of my life? Ok I mean, sure, I am getting a little old.
Democracy the Shooter:
He was inching closer to that baboon Trump’s cage. I couldn’t have that. Like I said as democracy my role at the zoo is minimal, hell some people think I don’t really do anything anymore. But I knew I couldn’t let America get too close to that baboon Trump.
Is this what you want, America? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!
Trump the Baboon:
That boy knows what he wants and it’s me. Do you ever eat your butt fleas?
Little Boy America:
If I’m honest, it was worth it. I know I looked a little foolish, but I wasn’t afraid of the Gorilla. I just cried because, well, Bernie Sanders the gorilla was a little too real. It was all too much. Like the first time you did acid, or had sex (so I’m told). I cried not for what the Gorilla was, but for what me, and the fence, and the baboon and the shooter aren’t. Some of us were practical. Some were dedicated. None of us was as majestic.
Hillary Clinton Fence:
I told Democracy to shoot the gorilla, and that is why he did it.
Democracy the Shooter:
No one told me to shoot the gorilla. I decided to end Bernie on my own. I did it. Me. They’ll tell you Hilary the Fence ended him, or some corrupt or ignorant practice of the zoo’s. But I take full blame and I acted alone. That’s something I want everyone to know – I, democracy, killed Bernie Sanders for the sake of America. I didn’t enjoy it. I am not happy about it. I kinda feel like a coward. But I did what I felt was right. I’ll live with that, and this dumb fence, for the rest of my life. Or four years. Whichever.
Trump the Baboon:
One time a penguin came in here and told me stories. They was good stories. I ate it.
Gorilla BS:
I don’t think I was going to kill the boy… I was trying to help America, not hurt. But in all honesty, had they not shot me and grabbed the boy, the shit flinging orange-assed baboon one cage over probably would’ve butt fucked him to death. I guess in that way me and the fence are the same – we both didn’t wanna see that.
Little Boy America:
In truth, I just wasn’t worthy of that gorilla. I kinda wish they’d just killed me .
Change that cause of Death to “MURDERED BY MONKEYS” and you get it.